Is Your Child Involved? Bully or Victim?
First and foremost, as parents, it is important to know if your child is involved in bullying. This may not be as simple to figure out as it sounds. Victims are often scared to report incidences of bullying for fear of the acts worsening, and bullies, of course, are going to be reluctant to share their wrongdoings with adults! Since your kids may not speak up, here are some signs you should watch for:
The Bully
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The Victim
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Now What?
If you have discovered that your child is a victim of bullying, the most important thing to do is contact your child's teacher and/or school administration about the issue. While finding out that your child is being mistreated may bring on extreme emotions, it is absolutely crucial that you keep your composure. Working with the school in a calm and collected manner is the fastest route possible to putting an end to the bullying which should be your top priority. Next, listen carefully to your child's reports of being bullied, never place the blame on him/her ("What did you do to make the bully mad?"), and encourage your child to keep talking to you. Don't be afraid to teach your child safety strategies specific to his or her situation. For instance, you may talk about walking away when teasing starts, asking an adult at school for help instead of waiting to get home, or the importance of always making sure to surround him- or herself with friends. NEVER give your child the advice to hit back if a bully starts a fight. This will only escalate the problem and lead to possible expulsions or worse for your child. Lastly, be sure to do everything you can to increase your child's self esteem.
If you have discovered that your child is a bully, you need to help change his or her negative thoughts and actions about other people. In order to do this, you may need to check for patterns of the bullying incidents in the school's reports or talk to your child directly. One word of warning: do not be too quick to believe everything your child tells you as bullies tend to be great at manipulating adults to "prove" their innocence. Hold your child accountable for his or her bullying tendencies by creating a system of positive reinforcement and consequences. Consistently provide consequences for misbehavior and positively reinforce appropriate behavior. Spend more time with your child and try to figure out if he or she is being negatively influenced by a certain peer group. If so, limit the time your child spends with these peers. Expect the school to provide consequences for your child's bullying and support their decisions. If both you and the school are on the same page, the more likely it is that your child will understand what he or she is doing will not be tolerated and needs to stop.
If you have discovered that your child is a bully, you need to help change his or her negative thoughts and actions about other people. In order to do this, you may need to check for patterns of the bullying incidents in the school's reports or talk to your child directly. One word of warning: do not be too quick to believe everything your child tells you as bullies tend to be great at manipulating adults to "prove" their innocence. Hold your child accountable for his or her bullying tendencies by creating a system of positive reinforcement and consequences. Consistently provide consequences for misbehavior and positively reinforce appropriate behavior. Spend more time with your child and try to figure out if he or she is being negatively influenced by a certain peer group. If so, limit the time your child spends with these peers. Expect the school to provide consequences for your child's bullying and support their decisions. If both you and the school are on the same page, the more likely it is that your child will understand what he or she is doing will not be tolerated and needs to stop.
For ALL Parents
Whether your child is a bully, a victim, or not involved in bullying at all, it is important that you support the school's bullying policies. Get a school handbook and read about the policy or ask your child's teacher. Educate yourself and then have conversations at home with your child about the subject. Here are some questions you can (and should) include in your discussions:
- Do you know what it means to bully?
- Do you know what the school's policy on bullying is?
- What should you do if you see one student bullying another?
- Why do you think kids bully?
- What do you think the school could do to stop bullying?